hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Is it because I queefed?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
