Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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