When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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