sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
