My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Randomize
