You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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