yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
