Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
