I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
