The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
