sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
