How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
