Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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