Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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