Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
