My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
