you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
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What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
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There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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