FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The uberlube is also flammable
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
