I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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