I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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