you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
