Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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