Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
