We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
