I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
