i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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