You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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