I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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