Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
