I accidentally had phone sex last night
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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