she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
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I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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