Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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