youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
