I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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