Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
