What a fucking waste of an outfit
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
