So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
