oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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