Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
