so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I would fuck him just for his dog
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
