Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
