the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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