and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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