I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
