On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
