Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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