I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
