I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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