Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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