can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
