i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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