LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
