dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
