I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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