i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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