Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
