You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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