hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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