Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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