I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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